So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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