I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
