I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
