my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize