So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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