I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
