Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
