He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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