So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
