If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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