I can text with my tongue
I skipped work to stalk him.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
