i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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