She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize