It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So vagazzling was a success
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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