I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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