i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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