We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
