rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize