I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
