dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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