oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
