She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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