What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
