filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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