you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
