New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
