i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
