I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize