just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
