If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
