you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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