I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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