Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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