Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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