and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
