I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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