fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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