If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
