Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
