remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
