I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
