I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize