I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
