I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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