Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
