I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
