Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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