I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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