I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
