Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
