We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
