My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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