I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
